I adjust my cheap, gold, size-too-small conical corset, take a deep breath and gingerly start limbering up.
In the mirrors that surround the dance floor I see the reflection of a ruddy-cheeked, wholesome woman raising her leg.
Am I really ready to work out like Madonna?
Its been said the 53-year-old superstar is tacky, past it, a lip-synching fraud even… but she has never been in better shape.
She has a fearsome physique and a bulging pair of 14.5in biceps partly thanks to her personal trainer Nicole Winhoffer.
So when gym bunny Nicole offered me a unique insight into Madonnas world of fitness, I felt I ought to get the scoop.
And so it is I find myself dressed ludicrously in homage to the singer at the Danceworks studios near Marble Arch in London, about to undergo a typical Madonna workout.
I jokingly apologise that my outfit is hideous, forgetting Americans and irony are not natural bedfellows.
It goes over Nicoles head and she replies: Dont worry whatever makes you feel desirable. That corset thing you have on, which is a little bit too small for you, acts as a compression unit.
Madonna and I actually wear compression clothing to exercise in it helps keep your body connected and warm, and helps you stay more in tune with your body. Just so long as youre comfy.
Rescue me: Clemmie finds the workout a touch strenuous
Daily Mirror
The 16 plastic padded corset is itchy and my knee-high stockings keep bunching up fetchingly at the ankle. Of course I am not comfy. But, gamely, I crack on.
As Nicole, 27, who is based in the US but is currently on the road with Madonna on her MDNA world tour, spreads plain towels on the floor, I ask for the secret behind her clients whippet-like frame.
The answer? Vitamin B12 and guarana-injected gummi bears. Truly.
Madonna really likes them, explains Nicole. Theyre all natural, infused with vitamin B12, which is essential for women, and guarana for a boost.
Shell have a couple if shes feeling a little low on energy.
Sadly, vitamin B12 and guarana-injected gummi bears are not available where I get my pick n mix, so I ask for other tips.
Dedication and discipline, she adds.
Food-wise, in nearly four years I have never seen Madonna eat an unhealthy snack.
“She eats food for fuel. She is an athlete with a very demanding show.
“Everything she puts into her body has a nutritional value and its for energy.
Trying hard: But it’s not all hard work as Clemmie finds something to laugh about
Daily Mirror
Nicole none-too-subtly glances repeatedly at the towels and I realise I cannot delay the hard work any longer.
Reluctantly, I move to the centre of the floor while Nicole walks over to the sound system and starts pressing buttons.
Im in charge of the playlists, she explains. Madonna loves all kinds of music electro, hip-hop, techno and sometimes she works out to her own stuff.
Sure enough, out blasts Give Me All Your Luvin the video to which Nicole choreographed at approximately 110 decibels.
For eight minutes Im pummelled into submission. Playing back my dictaphone, I hear Nicole chirpily bellowing encouragement at me as I am rendered incapable of speech.
If I listen very carefully, over the pounding bass, I can hear rasping sounds and the occasional heave. This is me.
At one point, during a particularly strenuous scissor split, where you jump into a lunge, I gag slightly.
This warrants praise from the grinning masochist Nicole. Brilliant! Thats the spirit! she chirps.
I gag again. By the end of our workout, I am sweating like a boar. Nicole is immaculate.
Vogue idea: Nicole has to step in
Daily Mirror
You did great! she lies. What we just did was choreographed. I consider that dancing… you just danced and you didnt even know it!
Actually, if I tried this in my local Wetherspoons, I think Id be thrown out. Or certified. I decide not to point this out.
New Yorker Nicole is a former dancer who has appeared in Broadway shows such as Wicked and 42nd Street. She started working with Madonna on her 2008 world tour.
Her workouts are based on stretch endurance, speed, agility, physiology, dance and kinetics.
So how does Madge get those famous biceps? By working out, twice a day, six days a week.
But we dont do push-ups and she doesnt do running, Nicole says.
Because Im an artist I work hard to make sure each workout is fresh and creative.
Im focused on taking care of Madonnas body because its such a hectic schedule.
Her whole body is strong, with no weak spots… I keep trying to find one!
Into the groove: Our Clemmie fights the pain barrier
Daily Mirror
Not bad for a woman seven years short of collecting her pension. I ask if she has a nickname for Madonna.
SuperMadge? I suggest. No, she responds, looking slightly appalled.
Nicole tells me Madonna intends to retain her phenomenal physique long into her 60s and 70s.
The aim is to maintain, she adds.
Incredibly, Nicole reveals, Madonna has body fat of just 6%, compared to the female average of 27%. To re-iterate, Madonna is 53.
Not surprisingly, Nicole, who flies across the world by private jet alongside her client, is pretty ambitious herself.
She helps run the stars Hard Candy fitness club chain and at the end of the year she is bringing out her first fitness DVD, Addicted To Sweat, based on one of Madonnas favourite classes.
With our fitness session almost over, I ask Nicole what its like working alongside one of the planets most famous women.
It is amazing, it is difficult and it is the most challenging thing I have ever done, she smiles.
But Madonna knows exactly what she wants, which makes my job easy. In fact, Ive got the best job in the world. She is an inspiration to me.
“She never misses a workout, never makes an excuse and always works hard.
Phew. And there I was thinking that Madge and I had nothing in common.
Iconic: Madonna’s Blonde Ambition look from 1990
AP
Madonna’s stats
AGE: 53
WEIGHT: 8st 2lb
HEIGHT: 5ft 5in
BMI: 6
BICEP: 14.5in
EXERCISE: daily dance and stretching
DIET: chicken & veg, kabbalah water
Clemmies stats
AGE: 30
WEIGHT: 9st
HEIGHT: 5ft 2IN
BMI: 16
BICEP: 12in
EXERCISE: running, showbiz parties
DIET: champagne, pick n mix
Resources:
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Workout Tips? I need some tips on how to maximize my workout. I’m 15, stand 6ft 1in, and weigh 172. I’ve got a curlbar, 60 lbs worth of weight in 10 lb ingriments, 2 15 lb dumbells, 1 35 lb dumbell, and a machine that supposedly goes up to 200 lbs to work with. What should I eat, what supplements should I drink (I’m on some whey protein that you pick up at vitamin shoppe), what execises should I do to maximize results and gain muscle and lose some weight. I’m pretty active, especially at running and weightlifting, so I’m not a beginning exerciser. I’d just like to see some better abs, bulkier biceps/triceps, a nicer back and shoulders, and most of all, a good looking chest. I really need to work on my chest and abs. It’s hard for me to get good results in those areas. So if you don’t mind, give a little help. By the way, is it okay to weightlift every week day, or should I switch between running and weightlifting daily? Been wandering about that.
View CommentAlternate between running and weightlifting everyday. It’ll help your muscles and give your workout some variety. For your chest and shoulders: benchpress, benchpress, benchpress.
Squats. Hold your arms in front of you and put your hands together. Squat down, back straight and keep your feet shoulder width apart. Start with 2 sets of 20.
Crunches. Do 3 sets of 33 and a different kind of crunch for every set. Start by laying on the floor and propping your legs up on the mattress (cross your ankles). Do a set of 33 crunches that way. Scoot back and hold up your legs in the same position as before. Do a set of 33 that way. Now do bicycle crunches (a set of 33).
View CommentIs There An Online Site That Gives Free Workout Tips? I’m looking for a site that gives free workout tips and tips on getting abs. I don’t need a so-called “quick trick” that will supposedly get me a six-pack in 2 days. I just want tips on how to work out and what to eat to get in shape.
View CommentIf you want to stay in shape, you need to adopt healthy eating habits and make exercise a part of your daily life.
How to start?
Choose exercises you enjoy according to your fitness level. Aerobics exercises move the muscles fairly continuously and strengthen the heart and lungs. Examples of such activities are brisk walking, jogging, aerobic dancing, swimming, badminton, cycling and football.
If you have not exercised for a long time or just started, start slowly and increase gradually over a period of 3 to 6 weeks.
For those who are above 35 years old, overweight, or have medical problems, you need to check with a medical doctor before you embark on an exercise programme.
Frequency or How often?
Exercise for at least 20 minutes, 3 times a week or more
Intensity and duration?
Do exercise until you perspire and breathe deeply without getting breathless. You should be able to talk or whistle while exercising.
Do warm up and stretch for at least 5 minutes before exercise. Also not to forget to cool down and stretch after exercise.
View CommentAllover Workout Tips For 17 Year Old Female? I want to flatten my stomach and tone up my arms. Does anyone have any good tips or links to simple workout routines?
View CommentTry having fun while doing a workout, and incorporate both toning and cardio. watch tv or listen to music while doing sit ups or push ups. or just find random things around your house that are heavish for you and lift while watching tv or smoething. dance, or find workout videos on youtube. it helps:) good luck!
View Commentthis is one that i tried out…
also watch what you eat!
Can I Have Some Good Workout Tips? Hey could I get some good workout tips. I’m medium built but i want to be lean and fit. I also want to tone and shape my legs a lot. Please tell me if you have any good tips!
View CommentYes,visit the following sites for fitness.You may not need a full-fledged diet right now, but you can still incorporate some slim-down strategies into your daily life.
Eat breakfast. Studies show that eating breakfast is associated with keeping weight off once you’ve lost it.
Fill up on low-cal foods. Start every meal with the items on your plate that are lowest in calories. By the time you get to the other foods, you won’t be so hungry, possibly decreasing your total intake.
Begin with soup. Starting lunch or dinner with a broth-based, vegetable-filled soup will curb hunger so you’ll be less tempted to eat higher-calorie foods.
Arrive fashionably late. Without as much time near the buffet table at parties, you’ll eat less.
Divide your lunch. Afternoon snacker? Cut your lunch in half: have part at mealtime and the other half later in the afternoon.
Swap mustard for mayo. A tablespoon of mayonnaise has 100 calories, compared with 10 calories for a tablespoon of yellow mustard.
Duration of Exercise
View CommentYou may not be exercising long enough. The rule of thumb is cardio for 30 minutes, three times per week. If you really want to reach your goal, try five 45-minute cardio workouts per week. That sounds like a lot of exercise, but remember this is in order to meet your goal, not necessarily maintain it.
What Are Some Good Teen Workout Tips? I live in a small town with no gym. And my don’t have a soccer team. Im trying to workout. Get more muscule and lose weight. I do that every once and awhile but i don’t know if im doing it right. Anyone have any tips what to do?
View CommentAbout the soccer team i meant that there isnt one this year!!
This website has good things to help you lose weight and tone up your body, it helps me lose 2 pounds per week.
http://www.exercisetv.tv/
GOOD LUCK
View Comment?